It Will Look Like A Sunset

Fri, 09/12/2014 - 23:16 -- BlueWinds

A warning: this article, and many of the links within, discuss domestic violence.

I would like to take a moment to talk about something painful, but also important. Wihle I could go on about the injustice of the rich receiving special treatment, or the horrid, apologetic, hypocritical responses to the most recent and most public incident, I would instead like to focus on domestic violence itself, and, perhaps, its relationship - or lack thereof - with kink.

First, I'd like you to read this article. It is painful, and powerful, and important all at once - and it ought to put to rest, once and for all, the question of why people in abusive relationships don't just leave. Please, don't continue on here until you've read that. I want it to establish some context for what I'm about to write.

Did you read that article? Do you know what the title means? Read on.


 

When I was ten, my parents gave me a special word that I could say, that would remind them that I was present and that they shouldn't fight while I was there. I used it a couple of times, when I got too tired of them arguing and wanted them to stop, but even as a child I knew my magic word wasn't solving the problem, just hiding it for a little while.

My father never hit my mother, just yelled at her. The only physical violence between them was the day they split up, when at the height of a shouting match she smashed a measuring cup on the floor and sliced open her palm with a shard, holding it up and screaming "this is what you're doing to me!" My dad grabbed her, took away the glass and carried her outside, then called the police. My brother and I went over to the neighbors house for a couple of days, until the police had left and my mother was released from the hospital (psychiatric evaluation) had swept up the kitchen. My dad stayed with a friend, then moved to his own apartment the week after, sending someone to collect some of his things. I visited him every other weekend, my bother lived with him full time and visited us about as aften.

 


 

I have, from most points of view, abnormal desires. I want my partner to love me, to care for me, and to tie me to a wall and beat me while gagged. I will likely never tell either of my parents - while they're entirely understanding and supportive about being lesbian, me wanting to be hurt would break my mother's heart. Either of them would blame themselves, think they were horrible parents, and perhaps they are to blame - it may very well be that the verbal violence I saw growing up has shaped my desires on a very deep level, connecting pain with love.

But in another way, what I want is the exact opposite of what my parents had. I want to be hurt, yes, but I also want to be the one in charge - what many people don't understand is that it's the bottom, the sub, that has all the power in a kinky scene. I can say "stop," any time, and the person hurting me has to.

They cannot give me an order I must obey, but I can command them absolutely. That's the trust - I hesitate to use the word sacred as an atheist/materialist, but it's entirely appropriate - that makes me feel safe putting my life in someone's hands. And make no mistake - when you're bound and helpless, your life is in their hands.

 


 

Hathawa[1] doesn't always enjoy what Antinua does to her.

I'm not sure how much that came out in the game, but it's been clear in my mind since day one: Antinua likes to inflict a great deal more pain than Hathawa likes to receive. Hathawa sometimes has to remind her mistress that their relationship is based on love, not on pain. And then, like many abusers, Antinua hates the part of herself that does those things.

Hathawa can say "stop", and Antinua will listen, every time, without fail.

Since they got together, Antinua smiles occasionally, which is good, since she never did that before, and she hasn't killed anyone yet that didn't richly deserve it. Hathawa smiles more too, and is generally much more at peace with herself than she was alone. But she also cries herself to sleep more often. It's not a relationship anyone should aspire to, but it's theirs, and I wish my fictional creations the best of luck making a life together.

 


 

The law in Washington state, where I reside, is a bit unclear - while a literal reading of some of it would suggest that consent negates the criminal aspects of much of BDSM, the practical aspect is that domestic violence laws allow the police to intervene even when the harmed party says it was consensual, and procedure encourages officers to arrest both parties and sort it out later, ignoring the victim's - or "victim's" - claim that they asked to be hurt.

Courts also consistently rule that even BDSM practices that cause no lasting damage - wax or riding crops, for example - are assault, and persecute it as such.

I am, all told, fine with this. While it does make much of what I want to do illegal, as long as it occurs in a private environment and no one complains to the police, it's unlikely to cause an issue. And for victims of genuine abuse, police ability to protect them, even when they say they don't need or want it, is a powerful tool I would not want to take away.

It is, like many things, a trade off - and my ability to enjoy kink has to be a lower priority than helping women and men truly in need.

 

[1] Hathawa and Antinua are characters in the game I develop, on the off chance you were linked here from elsewhere.

Comments

BlueWinds on

Also, since some people didn't seem to know this: I moderate comments somewhat harshly. You can disagree with me, and that's fine, but be respectful about it, especially here, dealing with a sensitive subject.

Cursing and victim blaming will get you summarily deleted without response.

Anonymous (not verified) on

Just curious, and with respect, but would you consider Antinua and Hawatha's relationship to be an abusive one?  I think that the argument could be made that, while both of them seem to get something out of the relationship, their communication problems and mismatched tolerances could edge their relationship into unhealthy territory.

BlueWinds on

I don't believe it is, as presented in the game - it could easily become one, but it's not right now.

On the other hand, it could also go in the more healthy direction. Hathawa is indeed a good influence on Antinua, and given some time to work things out and a sympathetic ear, the older woman may resolve some of her issues and calm down a little. It's hard to say at this point. A large amount depends on whether Hathawa can get Antinua to stop bottling up the demons driving her.

They are, at the moment, the only characters from BrothelS.im that I know will appear in the sequel. Courting Antinua's sister is planned to be one of the three game routes. Wend may or may not show up. Katri and Alison likely will not.

Konb (not verified) on

Interesting, but I can't really understand the meaning of this post, but I think that this is a post reaffirming, and educating yourself in how when partners inflict pain on the other it is usaully a horrible event; but even than you know what you want, how you want it, and how it could be terrible. With that being said, I 'm pretty sure that you are a strong person, but when love is invovled rationality and objectiveness go to shit. I think that what your trying to do with this article is to prepare yourself when you find yourself a partner (or meet that nameless, faceless email hubby of yours) that your relationship doesn't cross that fine line of you saying "stop" his not stopping and hurting you for emotions other then love (or hell even for love, wtf is love anyway! it can be really sick sometimes), and you just saying "ohh that's alright honey I still love you" then your kink just turns into another case of domestic violence. 

I don't know you well enogh to give you anything kind of advice, or even to understand the intent of this post... but well.....don't get yourself killed because your allergic to latex and decide to get really kinky and wear a gimp suit, or something like that; and good luck to you and your enodeviors to become the you that you wish! (Well I guess I'll give the genric advice that I was given and give to everyone else: don't overthink and depress your self and hate everything, and don't underthink yourself into stupidity and nativness) 

Voduxe (not verified) on

It's from the abuses in my past that I learned. Very few have their own credos, in this day and age. I challenge you to speak from your heart and quote what comes out. It's harder than it sounds.

Rin Tin Tin (not verified) on

That article is, sadly, a typical one of many domestic abuse cases, and by the way, the abuse started before she was ever physically harmed.  The part where he disappears for up to a week at a time, is abuse too.  Abuse of power, abuse of love, abuse of someone's trust and hope.  The article glosses over this part, but it is every bit as damaging as the worst of the broken ankles.

 

To not know where your partner is for an entire week straight, the terrible fear that one must have in a situation like that is devastating.  My wife has been a victim of domestic abuse, and that led to self harm.  She wears short sleeve T-shirts more often now that we've been together for a few years.  She however, still wakes up in the middle of the night and asks me if I'm still there.  That happens at least once a week.

 

That is all.

Dartinin (not verified) on

Thank you for sharing.

Sulik (not verified) on

hm, the story seems to be a bad case of schizophrenia - alas, that cannot be treated, at least not at the present moment. A picture of Caleb seeing himself in another chair, his words that it wasn't him abusing his wife - it all points out to schizophrenia.A patient can be sedated, to some extent, yet that wouldn't actually cure the illness.I know such people, and some of them may be extremely dangerous - from time to time - and totaly harmless and friendly when the illness does not show itself.What actually eludes me is how did you bind that story to the BDSM. I see no resemblence, like, at all.

Aetrun on

The relation to BDSM is that to the outside observer who does not understand, BDSM is abusive.  To those of us who understand the trust involved as well as a myriad of other issues, BDSM is not abusive.  That being said, there are those who use bondage, pain, and other power games to abuse.  That was the case in the article, it was all about his control and dominance.  When a person cannot release those desires in a healthy manner, with restraint whenever the partner needs/wants it, then it is abuse, even if it started with consent. 

BlueWinds on

Exactly this. Consent is not a cut-and-dry line - if you think it is, consider the article more carefully. At each and every point, she could have run away, ended the relationship, asked for a divorce, but she never did until the very end - even when she broke her ankle, she was still "consenting."

The real world isn't so simple as yes / no, BDSM / Abuse, Green / Red. People say yes to things for all sorts of shitty reasons.

AColonyOfAnts on

Love makes people do funny things.  Still, silence should never be assumed as a form of consent; I never got the impression that she was a masochist or was the relationship a bondage/submission type.  She was just clinging to past happiness in order to justify enduring the abuse.  It's not like she looked back on the times he hurt her and thought "this is what made me happy, even though he took it too far sometimes."  

Just because you don't speak up, doesn't mean you agree with it.  I have to vehemently disagree when you say she was consenting by not ending their relationship.  That argument doesn't hold up when you apply that kind of logic to other kinds of social issues.

BlueWinds on

It shouldn't mean that, and I wish it didn't - but in practice, saying nothing is taken as consent.

In politics, in religion, in relationships, in life, speaking out and saying "No!" wouldn't be as powerful and difficult as it is if silence meant the same thing.

Sulik (not verified) on

It is indeed difficult, as the fear of rejection is usually overwhelming. I would say that saying "no" is similar to asking out a girl you like - you crave it, yet you fear she will reject it, thus breaking your inner dreams of "how beautiful it could be if she said yes" to pieces.However, I wouldn't exactly say it's powerful. It is not. Nobody but the persona actually saying that would notice the magnitude of effort needed to say that. Nobody else would care.It is not powerful to say "no". It is difficult, yet brings you no power in itself.Espacially not in the case of mental disorder. No thing she would say while Caleb was in "normal" mode would affect his "abnormal" mode.And nothing did.

Sulik (not verified) on

I agree. The whole thing doesn't seem to be "a mutually accepted way of doing things".He was ill, she said. He wanted this to end, she said. They struggled to make it over with.She meant well, and she behave right - I would blame the "specialists" who assigned the man to those stupid anger movement courses and other stuff instead of proper medical treatment - and, yes, probably even a forced isolation.

super on

That article made me sad. Mostly sad because she seemed to be discounting all the good others had shown her, in favor of her relationship with her abusive husband. What I mean is, other people are also generous with their time, and loving, and not abusive. You don't have to have one with the other, though I admit in a case like Caleb's, it seems to be extreme on both ends.

That's not to say that a person cannot develop extreme generosity without being beaten as a child. There are other paths of suffering which create just as much goodness in people, without physically damaging them. I would argue that one of Caleb's guardians, perhaps his father, beat him as a child, and he was taking out his anger on his wife. This is not acceptable, even considering his past, if it does include child abuse. It is his responsibility to end the vicious cycle, and there were and are resources for him to change, but he chose not to try. Yes, he took meds, but those simply drug you, numb the pain. Drugs cannot and will never lead to acceptance of self, acceptance of parental abuse, acceptance that one's childhood was one of the worst on the block. He needed to accept that the person in the chair wasn't there, it was inside him.

If he had been beating his child and not his wife, she might have allowed it to continue, might still be married to him even.

As to your own desires, Blue, I do not wish to judge them. However I question the mind and nature of the person who would consent to be a dom in this situation, one who beats their lover until the sub says to stop. Why does that person consent to be the dom? Do they enjoy it? Do they not enjoy it? If they don't, that would probably be for the best - because the act of hurting the sub in this case would also hurt the dom, and in some strange way there might be love from that pain. But how is one to know whether the dom likes it? If the dom DOES get pleasure from hitting the sub, would they also not get pleasure from hitting the sub without consent? Isn't that just taking it a step further? If the Enjoying dom does this, and finds out they can get away with it, it would become the new forbidden fruit. The new drug. The enjoying dom might not get as much pleasure from simply beating their sub anymore - they might only get pleasure from beating their sub after she says "stop!" What then?

If you do go this road, I wish you luck in finding a dom who does NOT enjoy harming others.

All the best.

Sulik (not verified) on

I seriously doubt the love was bound to the abusing part of it.Also, most probably Caleb just could not control himself during these outbursts of rage.No dom/sub to me here, sorry. Just a really sick person who tried to overcome his sicknedd through the non-medical ways, and failed in that. Even with support of a true loving soul beside him.

Aendri on

It needs to be said, just for clarification. A good dom/sub relationship? You never need to say stop. Like Blue has said several times, it's a trust thing. If you enter that relationship, you're telling the dom that you have faith that they KNOW where the limits are, even in circumstances where you might not be able to tell them. THAT is where the line between abusive and BDSM relationships is, to me. If someone knows the limits and crosses them anyways...

zepht (not verified) on

c'est assez dur de repondre à cet article car comme on le site plus haut, le vie réelle est differente , incroyablement dur et méchante. 

je pense que l'on est prés a énormément de chose lorsque l'on aime une personne. et que des fois on ferais bien de remettre en question si cette personne mérite notre amours.

et puis c'est affreux ce que je vais dire, mais le grand amour existe surement avec plusieurs partenaires ( pas en même temps biensurs ) ^^ 

bref, tant que cela ne nous arrive pas, on ne peut pas vraiment savoir et surtout comment reagir 

BlueWinds on

Je comprends un pue le francais seulement, so I may not have understood exactly what you meant, but I think I get the gist of it.

 


Re-examining existing relationships is a hard thing when you're caught up in them, but I've recently had a chance to practice - with yet another fight with the same friend, I came to realize just how often they'd made me feel like crap, and that "friend" was the wrong description for someone who berates me and contributes nothing positive my life.

Cutting off connections is difficult, even when they need to be cut off.

zepht (not verified) on

désolé, je n'avais lu que l'article de la pauvre femme qui ce fesais battre par sont mari.

et pas la suite ^^ c'est mon coté chevalier blanc ^^ je m'enporte trop facilement.

avoir des envis de domination ou de soumition n'est pas dérangent, elle existe déjà dans les relations dites classiques, ce qui faut surtout c'est d'accepter le faite d'avoir des desirs de se genres de pratique sexuelle.

mais il faut faire très attention il existe une très fine limite entre le BDSM et la violence conjugal, qui est definie par trois choses 

1. le consentement mutuelle.

2. le plaisir pris par les 2 partenaires .

3. l'amour porté par les deux personnes envers leur partenaires mutuelles.

voila j'ai un peu fais mon psy mais si tu veux avoir un petit aperçu comique et kawaii je te conseille le mangas Nana to kaoru ^^

zepht (not verified) on

i'm so sorry lol, i don't remenber you are english girl, ok i hope my transcription will be correct.

rigth, i begin 

it's very hard to awser thit's article because the real life is very differente , hard and cruel 

I think it's extremely hard when we love a somebody, to see his dark side ( sorry it's star wars fan to speak)  and we can to accept  a lot of  bads things. some time we must to we would do well to question this love and ask this persome merit our love.

and it's horrible ^^ but my mum tell me in the river there is no single fish, traduction: we can to find many best love in 1 life but we have just 1 life it's sad to waste our this single life for a man/woman who did not worthy

for fun true love is probably with several partners (not simultaneously of course) ^^.

for your dark side ^^ it's nothing, even in more conventional sexual relations, there is a dominant side dominated.

but beware, the limit is fine between BDSM and violence abuse for me, we must observe 3 rules 

1. take a pleasure whit your partenaire and your partenaire take pleasure whit you.

2. now the limite and define these limits before.

3 if your thinking this practices is bad for you because they are expressions of the bad things that happened in your past are, speak with your lover, tell her your fears  and your anxiety 

and for final of my speach ^^ we are 1 life to small to be all time anxious,  Carpe Diem.

NB: i hope my traduction is not to bad ( thank for google traducteur ) and my explanations too tiresome

NB bis : thanks for your games i love this management sexy games.

NB tri : it's a maxime a invented 

" La vie s'arrete toujours, à un moment ou un autre, mais nos sentiment eux sont eternelles. Et lorsque je serais presenté la grande faucheuse"Je pourrais lui dire oui, car j'aurais bien vecu